I FOUND THE ANSWERS FINALLY

Your Friends Scare Me
Why do I feel threatened by my partner's opposite-sex friends?
By Scott Haltzman, Ph.D. hitchedmag.com Updated: Aug 19, 2007

Question: Why do I feel threatened by my partner's opposite-sex friends?

Answer: If your partner is enjoying the company of another person, and that person is someone of the opposite sex from your partner, the answer is pretty obvious: you're worried about your mate becoming sexually attracted to that person, and, well, you know what happens next....

It's quite common for a couple to struggle with the thorny issue of opposite-sex friends. Sometimes the problem arises from one partner refusing to let go of past boyfriends or girlfriends. Individuals who keep the old flames' phone numbers in their contact file believe it doesn't make sense to dispose of the friendship just because the romance fizzled out.

Some opposite-sex relationships spring from the workplace. In many job sites, including the military, men and women work side by side. When put into high-intensity situations, people bond. Some people, even if they're married, think that it's artificial to limit these positive work experiences to the office. They figure that if it feels good to be around their officemate during work, it should feel good spending time together after work as well.

Even though your mate sees lots of good reasons to foster these friendships, you have an even better reason not to: because it threatens your relationship.
You're concerned that if your partner has a friendship with a person today, it could grow into a love affair tomorrow. You're concerned that if your partner has a friendship with a person today, it could grow into a love affair tomorrow. And you have every reason to be concerned.

The Warning Signs

When one individual shares intimacies with another of the opposite sex, they develop a familiarity that binds them closer together. This connection breeds feelings of "specialness" that leaves each with the sense that they have a unique understanding of each other -- one that other people can't appreciate. The big problem with this arrangement is that it excludes you and directs the energies that should be going into your relationship out toward other people.

Your mate may believe that opposite-sex friendships are harmless because his or her friend is married. But that's just dead wrong! Many friendships outside of marriage start as "just friends" and grow closer and more intimate. Because these friendships are so fresh, interesting and compelling, it's not long before the two people involved start to think they are more compatible than their own life partners. It's a small step from that realization to the development of a full-blown affair, and the destruction of a marriage. Do you need to be concerned?

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Is the person someone whom your partner would consider "attractive"?

Answer by Chubby: Yes

2. Are they spending time together outside of the office (even for office lunches) when other people are not around?

Answer by Chubby: Yes

3. Has your partner excluded this "friend" from your life, either by nottelling you when they are meeting, refusing to introduce you, or going into another room to talk on the phone when you are nearby?

Answer by Chubby: Yes

4. Does your partner tell you that he or she has the kind of relationship with this friend that you just couldn't understand?

Answer by Chubby: Yes

A "yes" to question #1 and any of the other three questions means your partner's friendship may be a threat to your relationship.

If your mate is involved in a special relationship that makes you uncomfortable, don't ignore that feeling. You've got to ask for what you need -- for your mate to end further personal and exclusive friendships with people of the opposite sex.

Remember, your partner may not be intending to hurt you, and may honestly feel like there is nothing to worry about. You can help him or her understand your concerns; it may help to read this article together.

Finally, your partner may feel it's rude or unfair to the "friend" to end the exclusivity of the friendship. That may be right, but frankly, not taking action is rude and unfair to you. In all cases, the needs of your relationship outweigh the needs of a friend. After all, you should always be number one on your partner's buddy list.